I don't hold regrets but..

If I did I would regret not allowing myself to be a child during my childhood.
I spent most of those younger years,
wishing and praying for the freedom of adulthood.
I thought everything would be better then
because I could make my own decisions.
I wouldn't be dependent on anyone,
and I would finally be free to just be me.

Needless to say I was wrong,
and as adulthood loomed closer,
and my sense of freedom
slowly but surely increased,
my communication with friends and family dropped off.
I built a brick wall around parts of my life,
segregated myself,
because I was ashamed
of all the impulsive decisions I was making in my adolescence.
I learned by hard knock lessons
and continued to hide my frustrations.
Continually hiding my need for help.

"Innocence"
was the ingredient I thought I lacked.
Because a man did very adult things to me
I already thought myself doomed to the penitentiary of hell.
I did not think I had much to live for,
in fact I told myself if GOD was REAL;
s/he would not let me grow up in this body,
because I felt I would never be able to enjoy SEX again.
I thought the whole world was powered by sex,
it was something women gave men to appease their appetite
and hope to lessen their tyranny over their households.
SEX was the snack that kept the perverts in check,
kept everybody sane and smiling.

But this sensuality,
this intimate way of knowing another
was dead to me
(I thought)
He had ruined it for the rest of my life.
By taking what was NOT his to hold
and treating a little girl
like a dirtyy little slut.
I was just as soiled
as the disposed sheets
stained with my cherry juice.
I asked GOD,
"how he could leave me ALL ALONE in that room?!"
and the answer was not immediately clear,
all pathways in front of me felt darkened
by my depression and my desire to die too young.

It may have taken me 18 years
with a lot of twists, turn-arounds, upsets and messy spills.
But I've made it to my answer,
and I have no regrets.
To do GOD's work
to teach young children to love and trust themselves,
before they share that love with someone else.
That is my purpose, that is my calling
and I would not be the teacher I am today
without the tears I shed in solitude.