She say's I can't complain about the pebbles on my shoulder, when there used to be a boulder on my back.

One Hell of a Ride

Today when signing my graduation paperwork a school survey asked;
"If you could go back prior to your baccalaureate education--would you choose PITT again?"
I laughed when I read this, truly not knowing what my answer would be. I read the question to my advisor in the School of General Studies, a super nice man I only just met for the first time and said, "It's been one hell of a ride that's for sure", to which he replied,
"...Well, there's nothing quite like a hell of a ride"

There's been ups but mainly downs. It has been nothing like I 'expected' college to be. But then again I never expected myself to go to college. The funny thing about growing up and not looking forward to your future is you don't set expectations for yourself. I've gone through the large majority of my student life with undiagnosed ADHD; it has always felt like I have been fighting an uphill battle with no one on my side.

I'll be graduating with the highest honors possible at PITT and am going on to an Autism Spectrum Disorder Endorsement Graduate program.
In high school I used to try really hard because I wanted to prove the girls wrong who called me an "idiot". I have not worked this hard at PITT to prove anything to anyone. I promised myself I would do the best I could, and I believe that's what I've done

What I will take away from this is when you go in with no expectations, you will always surpass what you believed yourself capable of.
Don't count your losses, don't live with regrets, don't ask for permission,
Just be who you are today, and don't let anyone try to tell you that's not good enough.

namastae.

Song of the WEEK

"I wish you would tell me how you really feel, but you'll never tell me cause that's not our deal"

Mandala Art

MANDALAS are an introspective art, the intention is to gain insight on yourself as you concentrate and channel your creativity. It's a reminder that you are part of the great round, everything is infinite but nothing is permanent; all things must come to an end.

"I feel it in my body the pain you were sick in YOUR MIND to inflict upon a 5-year-old"

"We are born with a desire to attach, to be loved and held, personhood begins at birth. Every child is different, unique and admirable for their individuality"

Just another soul having a human experience

My new belief in reincarnation has been a spiritual reawakening unlike anything in my life.
I was raised in the Christian church, I knew Jesus as the name we put to Creator.
This belief system was taught to me and I was baptized at birth.
When I was an adolescent and felt alienated by the church I became an atheist.
I resolved my delusion that I was damned to hell because of sexual acts I was not in control of.
I've stopped being angry at God for putting me on this earth in this body.
Realizing that I am an 'old soul' having a human experience in the 21st century has helped me come to terms with my life having a purpose.
My experiences, good and bad, have not been for nothing, I can turn my pain into passions and help others let go of that pain themselves.

A Note on LIVING with Suicidal Thoughts

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about how Violet (my service dog) helps me on a daily basis to keep on track with my recovery. It really is very simple, I used to think I was unlovable; now I have a dog who is attached to me and loves to be right at my heels. She loves me unconditionally as I learn to feel that way towards myself. The hardest part of my day used to be starting the day, but now every morning I have this yawning, stretching pitbull in my face who is more than happy that I am awake and alive.
I used to wish I was dead a lot as a child, I didn't think it was unusual I just knew things would be easier if I was dead. If I was dead I would never have to go through telling my parents or anyone about what he did to me. I used to play out my funeral surrounded on my bed by my stuffed animals, I made them weep for me and wonder what could happen to make a little girl so sad.
I was always sick on my birthdays as a kid, I would wake up with this horrible feeling, my stomach in knots, never wanting breakfast. "Dread" is now the word I can put to my confused feelinga.
Something was gnawing away at me; I knew it was never just going to go away on its own.
It's 16 years after my first assault. I woke up on christmas at 5 a.m. and laid with suicidal thoughts in my heads for hours. I woke up New Years day at a friend's house with suicide on my brain.
I use 'mindfulness' to combat these thoughts on a daily basis which is essentially keeping track of your thought process. So when thoughts like "I want to kill myself" come up I stop and say to myself, "No I don't want to die it's hard to be here but I want to live my life". Usually I am ruminating on something that make me anxious when these thoughts come up, so I guide myself onto an easier, more uplifting subject matter.
My ability to do this and be more conscious of my mindset has greatly increased since I spent time in a psychiatric hospital.
I've realized I am doing a lot things I never thought myself capable of. I could not begin to enumerate the times in my life where I have said "You're never going to make it through this". Most things in life really a trivial. What seems stressful today is soon a distant memory, maybe you won't even remember.
well I did.
and I'm here, aren't I?
Never is now.
I made it.
and things can change,
you can be different.
I can't say these things will ever go away; but I can say for sure it does get better.