Recently, I've been thinking a lot about how Violet (my service dog) helps me on a daily basis to keep on track with my recovery. It really is very simple, I used to think I was unlovable; now I have a dog who is attached to me and loves to be right at my heels. She loves me unconditionally as I learn to feel that way towards myself. The hardest part of my day used to be starting the day, but now every morning I have this yawning, stretching pitbull in my face who is more than happy that I am awake and alive.
I used to wish I was dead a lot as a child, I didn't think it was unusual I just knew things would be easier if I was dead. If I was dead I would never have to go through telling my parents or anyone about what he did to me. I used to play out my funeral surrounded on my bed by my stuffed animals, I made them weep for me and wonder what could happen to make a little girl so sad.
I was always sick on my birthdays as a kid, I would wake up with this horrible feeling, my stomach in knots, never wanting breakfast. "Dread" is now the word I can put to my confused feelinga.
Something was gnawing away at me; I knew it was never just going to go away on its own.
It's 16 years after my first assault. I woke up on christmas at 5 a.m. and laid with suicidal thoughts in my heads for hours. I woke up New Years day at a friend's house with suicide on my brain.
I use 'mindfulness' to combat these thoughts on a daily basis which is essentially keeping track of your thought process. So when thoughts like "I want to kill myself" come up I stop and say to myself, "No I don't want to die it's hard to be here but I want to live my life". Usually I am ruminating on something that make me anxious when these thoughts come up, so I guide myself onto an easier, more uplifting subject matter.
My ability to do this and be more conscious of my mindset has greatly increased since I spent time in a psychiatric hospital.
I've realized I am doing a lot things I never thought myself capable of. I could not begin to enumerate the times in my life where I have said "You're never going to make it through this". Most things in life really a trivial. What seems stressful today is soon a distant memory, maybe you won't even remember.
well I did.
and I'm here, aren't I?
Never is now.
I made it.
and things can change,
you can be different.
I can't say these things will ever go away; but I can say for sure it does get better.
No comments:
Post a Comment