Raison d'etre--Reason for Being

The reason behind my creating this blog is to monitor the progress of my next RAPE CULTURE ZINE and motivate others to contribute and raise awareness about this topic in small, everyday ways or by artistic expression. My first ZINE was called "ASKING FOR IT" it was done for a Women Studies Final, the original will eventually be at Carnegie Oakland Library and scanned online. The topics I hope to address in my next ZINE cover the complex issues of the gender spectrum, including masculinity as aggression and femininity as submission; body image, queer sexuality and sexual violence, proper sexual education---and the repercussions of the America's 'Culture of Sex' that allow child and sexual abuse to proliferate and continue everyday in this county. Namastae & Goodnight (hopefully) <3
My lovely best buddeh Karen has done some sketches for the new Cover ETA pre-2015..:)
a sample of my sad Natty Boh man (of course for Baltimore Pride)

Evan Bray Photography

Evan Bray has been my best friend for 6+ years, he was my gay prom date, my best friend and continues to be there with endless love and support from his boyfriend Conrad and pet family:) I love you always bitty; always happy to be your muse. *hint* Look under bestial for a tarantula boob pic ;)

A Lesson Learned in the Helping Profession--Self Care & Work

Leaving the Child Welfare field was not a willful decision for me but became rather a necessity for my mental and physical well-being. I enjoyed everyday I worked for a child welfare agency and was impacted by every child, no matter how small, and family no matter how complex that I came into contact with in my short time working for the system. I had previously fulfilled both the roles of assistant preschool teacher and counselor to countless children for extended exhaustive periods of time, and in roles where I was responsible for their safety 24/7. I do love every child I work with and encounter because that is what children seek and need to develop, receiving acceptance and encouragement—accompanied by praising feedback from a positive role model, like that their parents should provide. 

My training and short field experience in child welfare was a significant learning experience for me as the start of my social work career. I have been reminded of the need for self-care and tuning into self when working in the helping profession. I knew I was meant to be a ‘nurturer’ and ‘helper’ from early in my life but I did not understand why; when I used to think of social workers as only baby-snatchers I thought it was something I could never do. I have now become so incredibly informed on the workings of the child welfare system, and I know I cannot be put in that role to justify its actions and effect upon children. I have learned of my own unresolved childhood trauma that prevents me from being able to resume my caseworker role with the appropriate emotional detachment. I could not go home and turn off my work-mindset because my life became plagued by panic attacks, flashbacks and avoidance techniques. 

I will not view this change in career path as a failure or glitch, as I have gained introspection into the areas where my strengths will better lie. I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, as well as the time I was able to take for myself to rest and recover to realize this. I have a tendency to push myself too hard in life till I learn lessons the hard way and I am now just thankful I took a break to refresh my mindset before it was too late and I became burned-out. 

Just the other day I was able to appreciate the strength of my termination with the child welfare agency; I walked past my old apartment building and seeing a torn open trash bag of children’s clothing and items on the sidewalk, I stopped and reflected upon my success. I saw her books and shoes sprawled among broken glass and gravel. I couldn’t help but stop and linger, and I picked up a piece of paper that read “Hi my name is NyJir and Im a third grader” and place it in my pocket. I now know I need to be in a field where my ease in emotionally attaching to children is recognized as a STRENGTH, not my downfall. It is strength to be able to admit when you are overwhelmed and recognize when something is not right with the place you are in. 

On my last day at the child-welfare agency I sat in on a Wraparound services family meeting, the aspect of the agency I wanted to focus my research on. What I saw was a caseworker that left me unattended in the room with an overwhelmed behaviorist professional, caregivers and three young children to make copies and dip out on the meeting. I saw a mom who walked out on her children within twenty minutes because she was hungry and wanted to make chocolate chip pancakes.  So I assumed my automatic child-care role and tried to meet these children’s every need so that the caregivers could communicate and the meeting could go on as effectively as possible. 

I pulled in toys from the hallway and sprinted to my desk for paper so I could help the girls make ‘hand books’ where they traced my hand and each other’s. The older sister traced everyone’s hand in the room, wrote our names and ages. By the end it was beautiful and she walked out the door with it proudly. The younger sister’s behavior is what had such a significant impact on me I was so greatly concerned by the amount of rage in her small body and the way it set my ‘gut feeling’ through the roof.  I saw my rape-related PTSD reflected in the body of a four year old, as I observed her unable to process her emotions or contain angry impulses. At the onset of the meeting she was crumbling to the floor when her way was not met and tore up her messed up drawings explaining to me “I don’t like to be calm.” I watched as the physiological symptoms of PTSD manifested themselves in her small physical body. She was so nervous and tense making me run her to the bathroom numerous times. By the end I saw her avoidance techniques, just as I used to have and still have manifested in my quirky ways—I rubbed her small overburdened burning back, trying to calm her down enough to leave, but she obsessively compulsively tried to rearrange toys in the hallways. She then threw herself back again my legs saying “I’m staying with you”. When we finally did make it to the guard entrance room, I gave her encouraging words and showed her the art she did and the hand art I would keep on my cubicle wall.  Her overwhelmed caregivers’ praise of thanks was endless, but I stared back into her cold, sad face knowing that an hour with this girl cannot change her deeply troubled life. She’s getting on the bus just as hungry as she was before. She is still a victim of childhood trauma and so am I. 

As I saw an unknown child’s items discarded on the Oakland street, I knew leaving child welfare was the right decision, even though I wanted to go above and beyond for the families I worked with--I cannot change the system and I cannot change the world with my two hands. After  mandated state caseworker training, I filled my trunk with my families old duffle bags so that I would never remove a child’s items in a trash bag. I could never send that message to a child ‘you are trash’ as you detached them from their family home. The child welfare system is not perfect as none are, but I was conditioned by my predator as a child to distrust the legal and medical system and thereby in my present state I know that I cannot stay in this field. I have been coping with rape-related PTSD and an anxiety disorder for sometime, possibly for the majority of my life, and so it is for my personal health that I must depart from such a trigger related setting. I am happy to move on with my coping abilities revitalized and persist with my passions regarding raising awareness.